Whooooops lol

So, yeah, the semester kind of caught up with me.  Let's recap the end of the semester, shall we?

Teaching:

As the semester began to wrap up, teaching became a bit more difficult.  I wasn't as on the ball with prep or grading, and while I don't think it was a huge problem, it definitely made my life much more stressful.  My students struggled a lot with the first paper assignment; I had to deal about seven or eight failing grades.  The other assignments improved, which was nice, and most students fared well on the final exam.  I will certainly miss a lot of my students, and the chances of getting any of my favorite students again next semester are slim to none.  I'm still teaching intro, but the second semester is the cell/molecular/micro/awesome semester.  That means all of the students who AP'ed out of semester 1 are signed up; there's a waitlist to get into a class with a 600 student cap.

Rotations:

My first rotation ended somewhat well; I managed to get some primer designs in before the rotation ended.  I wish I'd had more time to spend in the rotation.  I'm not having that problem with my second rotation, which I'm liking a LOT less.  I've already been more productive, I think; I've run a couple of qPCRs and next week, I'll be getting a lot of work done.  Too bad I just don't like the lab.

Classes:

Biochemistry ended quite poorly, mood-wise.  I didn't do as well on the second test as I did on the first one, which is fine.  But I studied my ass off for the final, and it was absolutely ridiculous!  As in, "WHAT, how would I have known to study this?!"  All nine of us walked out of there shell-shocked.  He had our final class grades up by that evening, and about half the class had failed (B- or less).  WELL THEN.  Everyone panicked for the next 24 hours, at which point we all got individual emails from the professor apologizing for miscalculating the final grades.  So no one failed, but no one studied for molecular biology ...

So I didn't do so hot on that exam.  But I managed to get As in both classes.  This isn't just a first for me to have a 4.0 (although it's a first for me).  I've NEVER gotten As in university-level science classes.  Ever.  Ever.  No, really.  Yes, obviously studying pays off, and I've learned my lesson, etc.  Whatever.  Still can't believe it.

Personal life:

Physical therapy is going well.  I run on the treadmill most of the time that I'm there, but I made the mistake of running a 12-minute mile on Tuesday.  I know that's actually pretty slow, but for me, I used to have to work up to 12-minute miles.  My legs weren't sore, but wow, my cardio is not up for that.  Meanwhile, swelling is still a major problem, but it's slowly becoming less and less of an issue.  I'm finally sleeping under the covers at home, instead of on top of them so I can elevate all night.

I've been spending a lot of time with A. and S., which has been a lot of fun.  Haven't seen my friends from home as much, sadly, or friends from college.  I'm psyched to go visit my friend Am. soon, though!  Great way to spend winter break: catching up with a great friend, and NOT going to rotation.  Ahahahahaha.  My money says that we'll plan to go out a lot and have fun, but end up just staying in, lounging, hanging out, playing video games and watching movies and TV.  I absolutely CANNOT wait.  Am. is one of probably three people responsible for getting me through 2011, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

I started seeing someone, J., back in mid-November (I went out with him on a date instead of studying for the exam I had the next evening--whatever, I got an A).  Thanksgiving got in the way a bit, but after the holiday, things kind of picked up.  He's really great; honestly, the only flaw I can find so far is that he doesn't like Nutella.  Seriously.  Not that I want winter break to end, but it'll be nice when the holidays are over and I'm back from vacation and we don't have to wait to see each other because of this or that holiday/break commitment.

Other:

My bird is the cutest thing ever.  Also, I'm Monica Geller-ing the apartment; I now have a clean stove and a clean tub/shower with a new shower curtain.  I am magic.

Next semester:

When next semester begins, I'll still be in the middle of my current rotation; that'll be the case until early February.  I'll be taking two classes in addition to TFing again: Advanced Cell Biology and Biochemistry and Physiology of Reproduction.  S. is joining A. and me, teaching intro lab, so I can imagine our grading parties are going to be quite ridiculous.  If this semester is any indication of things to come, next semester will probably fly by.

Meanwhile, time for the family holiday tradition: Chinese food and a movie!  Man, I love being Jewish.

Oh, the longest week ever

Monday:
Columbus Day.  Rested most of the day, but then went to my rotation lab to do some PCRs.  There was no T for about 30 minutes, so I gave up and walked to campus.  After that, I went to a dinner party one of my classmates had.  It was a BLAST.  Then walked home from the Fenway at, like, 11pm, whoops.

Tuesday:
Up at 7am for 8am PT.  Then I walked a mile and a half to campus for a 10am appointment at health services to get referrals for PT.  Then I went to my office across campus, another half mile or so, to meet with one of my undergrad learning assistants so we could go over the lab she was teaching Wednesday.  Then I went to class, and then office hours, and then another class.  And then I went to the lab to do two more PCRs.  Missed the bus home by about 15 seconds, and even ran to try to catch it.  Awesome.  Studied till I went to bed super late.

Wednesday:
Woke up at 7am and left around 7:50 to get to my teaching lab at 8:30am.  Taught lab till noon, and then went to the lab to redo the PCRs I did on Monday (forgot to dilute the dNTPs, GREAT!), and to study for my Thursday exam.  Then, when I found out discussion at 4 was canceled, a bunch of us got together and got food before going to exam review.  I stayed till about 6:10 and then got home around 7.  Studied till late.

Thursday:
Was supposed to wake up at 6:30, but was so exhausted from studying, I woke up at 7.  I somehow managed to get out the door by 7:20 and got to lab at 7:55.  Taught lab till 11:30, but then stayed late to figure out what to do with a student who missed lab and couldn't do a make-up, but desperately wanted to.  Went to class at 12:30, and then went to office hours, where I was so frazzled, I bombed at actually helping the one student who came by.  I then studied with A. until 5pm, when we grabbed food before our 6pm exam.  Took me about two hours to complete, but then I had to rewrite an entire booklet because MOLECULAR BIOLOGY.  So I left around 9 and got home around 9:45.  Celebrated by watching Psych.

Friday:
Woke up at 7:30, left at 8, to teach 9am lab (subbing for Ca., who's getting married).  Then went to seminar at noon, and then prep from 1-2:30.  Then grabbed lunch with K. and As., and hung out with K. until I had to leave for PT.  At this point, of course, my calves were swollen solid, and my physical therapists were pretty shocked and concerned.  So we mostly elevated, either with ice or heat, with only two activities, one of which was just stretching.  I caught the bus home and got back around 7:15.

And now, I am so, so, so exhausted ...

First rotation, first exam

Things have been quite hectic over the past week or so!  I'm finding myself lapsing into particularly bad habits: staying up late, buying lots of junk food, leaving clothes on the floor, and ignoring mail and voicemails.  It's not terrible yet, but I need to come out of this weekend on top of things.

I started my first rotation last week, and it's been going somewhat well.  I dissected a mouse heart and isolated RNA from it.  I then made cDNA from the RNA using an RT-reaction.  I'm actually happy to start with something I'm already somewhat used to, not because it's "too" easy, but because it's a great way for me to get oriented in the lab.  If I were starting with something I absolutely had no experience with, it would be harder for me to judge what parts of the protocol are "the way it's done," and what parts are "the way this lab does it."

I also had my first exam this week, on Wednesday.  The second year grad students sort of scared us shitless about how difficult the exam would be, so I studied my ass off.  It's yet another sign that I've been replaced with a pod person: I can't remember the last time I legitimately studied for a science exam.  Oh, sure, in college, I'd spend maybe 10 minutes briefly looking over my messy notes, and then another hour flipping through the different chapters of the book, which of course I hadn't read.  But I'd never read over my clean, re-written notes, re-read sections of the book which I'd already read, or memorized ... anything.

Sitting down to take the test, I was surprised to see that there wasn't anything on it that I hadn't heard of or thought about.  That's different than finding the test easy; it required plenty of thinking, and I was definitely unsure of some of my answers.  But there were no questions where I felt panicked or lost.  A lot of the questions did involve using memorized material: draw structures of certain carbohydrates, draw these nucleotides/sides, write out this peptide sequence.  But a lot of them also required that I just have an understanding of enzyme kinetics or lipid function.

After the test, about seven of us went out to the Sunset Cantina for drinks and bar food.  It was an absolute blast (until I got home at about 8:45pm and learned that Steve Jobs had died--damn).

The next day, we still had class, and somehow, our professor had already graded all the exams.  He was pleased with how we did, and no one failed.  Apparently, a 75% is about an A-, which reflects the fact that 1) his tests are difficult, and 2) biochemistry is pretty damn complicated.  I mean, I guess it doesn't matter that much to me in terms of just this test because, uh, I got 100%.  I wonder if I can keep this up; I also got 100% and 105% on my first two molecular biology assignments.

Seriously.  Pod person.  Not shitting you.

This weekend is Yom Kippur and Columbus Day.  I'll observe Yom Kippur by fasting, but I'll probably clean my room and work on the intro bio PowerPoint.  I know that's not what I'm supposed to do, but honestly, it's an important holiday to me, and I don't really have a problem with repenting by doing work and chores.  I will also be studying for our molecular biology exam that's Thursday evening.  I feel less cool about this exam.  Perhaps it's because I tend to text during class?  Shhhh.

Birthday awesomeness

My birthday was a week ago, but I've barely had time to breathe since then!  Here's the rundown of the 25th birthday awesomeness.*

Woke up at 6:30am on ... not enough sleep and put on my awesome, pre-planned outfit.  Easily got to campus on time and taught my lab; the students were awesome, which made my day.  I then went to Starbucks and got the trifecta (80-cent black coffee in my caffeine-molecule mug, banana, pumpkin bread) and then ate it and called my mom.  Then biochem class, which was uneventful, following by office hours, where I helped out two students and started grading assignments.

Then we did something hugely irresponsible ... A. was already with me in the office for office hours, and she and S. had bought a bunch of nips.  S., C., Si., and At. came up to the office and we did shots/chasers.  Si. made a CAKE for me and At., whose birthday had been about a week or so before.  It was amazing!!  And then, uh, we went to class.

Molecular biology has never been so fun before, and probably will never be as fun again.

After dinner, I met up with S. at a bar in Kenmore, and we hung out and chatted for a while before deciding we wanted to try another bar.  We ended up at Boston Beer Works, where C. and then At. met up with us.  I stuck with cider for the evening, but it was pretty satisfying.  Got home around midnight and fell into bed.

The next morning, going to molecular biology discussion with a hangover wasn't very fun.  I went from discussion to seminar to lab prep, and then to grading.  On the way to the conference room where As., K., Ca., and A. were grading, I got an email with my rotations.  I got all three that I wanted, and I would be starting with my top choice.  Awesome!

After grading, I headed out to the Publick House to meet up with my friends Sc. and M., and M.'s husband I.  We had fun eating, drinking, and being obnoxious.  Way too much fun.  I didn't plan on getting any work done when I got home, but somehow, I found myself copying my notes at, like ... midnight.  I gave up around 1:30am when I was falling asleep at my desk, and the lovely upstairs neighbors woke me up when they got home around 2:30am.  I slept pretty late, which was awesome (yay, sleeping late!) and pretty shitty (crap, where did my day go?).

I spent the entire day at my desk, grading.  I think I was just super slow, or I must have been getting distracted a lot; it should not have taken me as long as it did to get it done.  At 7:00pm, I gave up, showered, got dressed, and headed to two different housewarming parties.  First, I went to my friend L.'s, and we chatted and drank wine while watching Mythbusters with her housemates and friends.  Then I headed out to Kenmore to C.'s party, where I hung out with him and S. until about 2 am.  S. was gracious enough to walk back to Coolidge Corner with me, which was badass awesome of her.  I wasn't overly intoxicated, but it's a 40 minute walk, and there were some creepy guys out.  A group of them tried to get our attention, and when we ignored them, they actually followed us for a bit.**

Sunday, I woke up late and graded before going out to lunch with my grandparents.  It was hugely stressful trying to get to the restaurant; there was some bike race that had closed Storrow, but the police were actually closing side streets as we were driving.  What?!  We finally got to the Summer Shack and had an enjoyable lunch.  I had way too much delicious fried food, mmmm.

After that, one of my high school friends, E., picked me up from Alewife and we went out to the boonies to my friend Cw.'s house, where we also met up with our friend Me.  They were surprising me with my birthday activity, which turned out to be apple picking!!  We headed out to the orchard in Stow and got a shitload of apples.*** When we got back to Cw.'s house, we heated up the dinner that Me. had cooked in advance, and she showed us how to make applesauce.  It was delicious omg.  After eating it with ice cream (YES, be jealous), Me., Cw., and I watched Tangled (E. had to go home, aw).

And then I got home around 10:30pm and stayed up till 1:00am getting my work done.  I have been catching up ever since!

I am so grateful for the amazing birthday I celebrated.  Everyone contributed to the wonderful time I had, four days running, and I definitely feel like 25 is going to be a good age for me.  With some exceptions (successful surgery, getting into grad school), 24 has kind of been shitting on me, so I need some happiness!

* HOW AM I SO OLD

** This was entirely horrible, by the way.  Who the fuck thinks it's acceptable to follow women at 2:30am, and heckle them, when they are clearly ignoring you because they don't want to deal with you right now?  When people get all, "Sexism isn't a problem anymore," I want to bash them over the heads with examples like this, where it's just plain obvious how stupid some people are.

*** Scientific term.

Birthdays and deathdays

On the evening before my 25th birthday, at 11:08pm, Troy Davis was executed.

There's a lot I'm feeling about this.  I'd rather not go into tons of details about the case, which are widely available through online news and Wikipedia.  The gist of it is that Troy Davis was tried and convicted in the murder of a policeman in 1989 based on witness testimony, and he was sentenced to death.  One of the witnesses was a suspect in the same case, and seven more out of the nine total have recanted their testimony, citing police pressure as the reason for their testimony.

I have never felt good about capital punishment.  I don't quite see how it actually makes any sense.  Perhaps if we were absolutely sure of someone's guilt, with no evidence suggesting otherwise, overwhelming evidence suggesting truth, and no sign of remorse on the part of the person convicted, then maybe, maybe, I'd say ... "Maybe."  Because even then, what good does it do?

The person murdered is still dead.  Capital punishment is purely for revenge.  "You did this, and now I'll make you pay."

So what happens when we're not absolutely convinced of guilt?  In the case of Troy Davis, the people with the power to stop his execution acknowledged the lack of evidence for his guilt.  They acknowledged it and didn't do anything about it.

His execution was scheduled for 7:00pm, but he sat on the gurney, with the needle in his arm, for hours, waiting for the US Supreme Court to save him.  They did not.  And no justice dissented.  Before tonight, I considered Ruth Bader Ginsburg to be something of an idol for me.  Now, I'm just too shocked to even process the complete lack of dissent.

And that was the night I went from disliking the death penalty to actively working to abolish it.  I don't know what's so different this time; I've already known I've disliked capital punishment, but really didn't DO anything about it.  But something's changed.  Maybe it's because I'm older.  Maybe it's because I have friends and acquaintances who have been sharing and retweeting the heck out of this case.  Maybe it's because I'm no longer ignorant about so many issues.

Or maybe it's because those people in power, people who had the ability to grant clemency, knew there was doubt as to Davis' guilt.  They acknowledged there was a good chance he was innocent.  And they murdered him anyway.  They did it anyway.

Meanwhile, I've turned twenty-five.  I've had an extremely difficult week so far; major family illness, news of a friend's imminent deployment overseas, and now the government-sanctioned murder of a man who was likely innocent.  I've been missing someone whose friendship I lost this summer, and I've been struggling to take care of my legs.  All in all, I feel much, much older than twenty-five.

And this morning, I have to teach biology to some first-year students, many of whom might not even be aware of what happened last night.  It's so strange.

It's difficult that I've just started my PhD, and now I want to run off and get my law degree so I can fix our broken justice system.

Just about fall!

Friday's weather was absolutely gorgeous, and there's no question this weekend that fall is upon us.  I love fall; without a doubt, it's my favorite time of the year.  Some of my friends have been quick to point out that I'm somewhat biased, since my birthday usually falls on the equinox.  That's probably true, but it's hard to find people who don't love fall weather.  I'm one of those people who dislikes summer pretty intensely.  This summer was a bit easier; I actually enjoyed my trips to Florida and California, and my brother's wedding was pretty awesome, weather-wise.  But I love being able to step outside in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans and not sweat my ass off.

Plus, it just smells amazing.  And so many great things come in the fall.  The leaves turn, there are tons of apples (to be eaten with honey, of course), pumpkins are everywhere.  Fall in New England is just plain awesome.

I'm in a plaid skirt and an argyle sweater, drinking cinnamon tea and enjoying the warmth of my space heater.  Definitely, definitely fall!

This weekend has been mostly unproductive.  I got most of my work done; it just didn't take as long as I thought it would.  My PowerPoint for this week's lab is much shorter, and there's less to change about it this week.  I do need to practice it, and I need to figure out what else I want to add to the lesson, like quiz questions.  Reading is halfway done; I'm putting off reading molecular because the book isn't even required, and it's hugely boring.  But I read for my pedagogy seminar and biochem, and I copied all of my notes.

As for adult responsibilities, it's also been a fifty-fifty weekend.  Last night, I cleaned my room relatively thoroughly; I still need to find places for a ton of stuff I threw on my bookshelf, and I definitely didn't make sure my drawers were tidy.  But my floor no longer has shoes and cardboard all over it, and I also vacuumed.  I do need to do laundry, and I also really should go to the grocery store, both things I'm planning to do tomorrow evening when I get home from campus.  Again, I should have done them today, which is why I feel unproductive.

Meanwhile, my body is struggling a bit.  I'm elevating and icing my legs quite a bit, but it feels like such an uphill battle sometimes.  I know that starting tomorrow, they're just going to swell up painfully again, and by my birthday, I'll have trouble getting my AMAZING new boots on.

But I also have to remind myself that they will heal.  The horrible left interior incision is healing very nicely; it's still got a ways to go, but it looks so much better than it did even a couple weeks ago that I'm finally relaxing about it.  So I have to remember that in a few weeks, I'll be running again, and the swelling will be less horrific.  Slowly but surely, my legs will heal, and this will all be just a frustrating memory.

Finally, I'm coming down with my first cold of the school year.  I had a ton of colds back in the winter and spring of this past year (four in a row starting on Thanksgiving; it was pretty miserable!).  I'm trying to take care of this one, resting a lot and drinking lots of tea.  I'll be sure to grab something with vitamin C in it tomorrow at the store, although I do wonder how vitamin C helps fight off colds.  I learned in biochem that it's a hugely important coenzyme in the production of collagen.  But I don't know if susceptibility to colds is really a symtpom of scurvy.  I wonder!

Week two over

It's about 12:30am on Friday night right now, and I'm totally wiped.  But I figure I should summarize how the second half of my week went.

Wednesday was exhausting.  Lab went all right in the morning, but not as well as it could have gone, or as well as I had hoped.  My students seemed resentful and almost ... combative.  Like, before we even DID anything.  I also had one student show up 25 minutes late, and another student didn't show up.  Awesome.

After lab, my legs were in awful shape, but I didn't feel like finding out how great or not-so-great health services would be.  So I chilled in the lounge for a while, updating some important files.  I met my friend M. for lunch at the pub on campus, which was really fun.  By 3pm, though, I was nearly asleep on a couch.  Teaching is exhausting!

I went and did my protein folding presentation at 4.  I feel like I did an okay job--I'd give myself a B, maybe a B+.  My classmates didn't seem to understand what I was saying, or maybe they just really didn't have many questions.  The professor seemed to think I had done a good job, but I thought I was just highly disorganized.  I hadn't practiced giving that talk, so I wasn't feeling prepared, even though I'd read the paper three times.

Then we had a break for about an hour, which was fun/relaxing, before heading into the seminar room for the final night of rotation talks.  It went about a half hour over, so by the time I got home, I was practically crying I was so tired.  Phew!

Thursday morning, I got to campus early to get the candy I bought for my kids out of the lounge, where I'd left it the afternoon before.  Of course, it was locked.  The candy is now in my office; I won't be locked out of there!

My Thursday morning lab is all freshman, and they're absolutely badass awesome.  I can tell that things won't be perfect, but that these kids are definitely more eager to learn than the kids are in my Wednesday class.  We were able to get more done in the lab, and they were much more engaged.  Also, they thought I was funnier, so BAM.  Awesome.

Of course, I left my prep packet in a field bag in the lab.  I didn't have time to try to sneak in and get it by the time I realized it, but fortunately, the lab director was able to grab it for me.  Phew!

Then I had class, followed by office hours.  A. and I got caught in a huge downpour as we tried to run across the narrow street to get to our building.  It's RIGHT across the street, but we got soaked!  No one came to office hours, so we bummed around, eating candy.  Afterwards, I went to get my packet, and then I bumped into my friend S.  We ran to Starbucks to get some hot coffee for our next class, which was in a freezing lecture hall.*  Lecture was ... not that interesting, but our little clique in the back had an all right time alternating between paying attention and ... not so much paying attention.

That evening, I didn't get as much work done as I'd hoped I would, although I did email the coordinator with my decisions about rotations (EEK!).  As I struggled to get work done, my legs got worse, and even though I stayed up to ice, it didn't help much.

This morning, I got to campus around 9:45, but when I got to the weekly biology department brunch, all the coffee was gone (noooo!).**  I hung around for an hour or so, and then went to Molecular Bio discussion.  After that, we went to our weekly department seminar, and then A. and I headed over to do lab prep.  We're doing Hardy-Weinberg next week, which means ... plastic beads ALL over the place!  Woo.

After that, I went home for about an hour and a half before I went to physical therapy.  We varied up my exercises today, although I still did the majority of my regular ones.  The soft tissue massage was still excruciating, but I know it's necessary, and it definitely was shorter than it was last time.  I then went to meet up with a friend at a bar, but she couldn't find her ID, so I went home.  I've spent the night bumming around online because I have to elevate and ice my legs.  So no desk for me!

* And when I say freezing, I mean I've heard stories of people's lips turning blue.

** And I even brought my new coffee mug with the caffeine molecule on it!

Two presentations, twice the fun!

Tomorrow is a huge day for me.  It is the first day of my graduate student career where I have to actually present material.  And I don't have to do it just once; I get to do two different presentations, in two different settings.

First up, I am teaching my first lab section tomorrow.  My stress has more to do with knowing generally what to expect, rather than fearing the unexpected.  I know it'll be tough to learn 21 names.  I know people won't listen.  I know they'll complain.  I know that when I ask questions, they'll be sluggish and tired and non-responsive.  I know that there'll be stragglers as we make our way to the Fens, and that some groups of students will just not work quickly enough to make all six plant identifications.  I know that many of them will do a poor job on the homework.

That's where my stress comes from, or at least most of it.  Otherwise, I feel ... okay.  I feel as well prepared as I can be, although I suppose like any good/prepared teacher, I keep thinking I could do even more, or that I should do more.

So that'll be 3 hours.  I'm actually mostly concerned about standing/walking for three hours.  I haven't mentioned anything to the lab director, mostly because I really don't have a lot of options, and I'm generally able-bodied.  I'm going to consider going to student health services after the lab is over.  I don't really have any homework I can do during my break between lab and my afternoon class, and my legs are certainly going to be swollen very severely.  I'm worried about explaining to health services that there's really no problem, and I just need to ice and elevate for a while, but there's no feasible way for me to bring my own ice.

I would consider that my legs might be fine, but after today, I doubt it.  After physical therapy this morning, my calves were all right; we did some extremely painful massage to try to help get the fluid moving out.*  But I ended up running late to class, which was hugely embarrassing, and I had to walk so quickly and purposefully, my calves were swollen as badly as they had ever been by the time I sat down at a desk.  So I assume that 3 hours standing and walking is going to destroy them.  Great.

I've got lunch with a friend at 2 (yay!), and then at 4, I have to present a paper on protein folding.  I think I understand most of it, but like I said, the audience is completely different this time, and I no longer have authority.  Hopefully, I'll impress my professor, and be able to get the paper's ideas across to my classmates.  I just want to get it over with (and in 24 hours, it'll be over!  Except that I'll have to get up even earlier in the morning to teach my second lab, whoops).

Meanwhile, I'm exhausted.  For some reason, I couldn't sleep last night at all.  I went to bed at 2 after cleaning and getting my work done, but then at 4, I gave up on sleep and did flashcards for a bit.  I fell asleep around 5:30, and let myself sleep till 7:30 instead of 7.  My sleep wasn't restful; maybe it was because it had taken me so long to fall asleep, but I kept waking up because of the people upstairs making noise.  Not partying noise like Friday night; just your run of the mill "time to get up and go to work/school" noise.  But still, assholes!

I managed to get through the day with just one coffee, and I also almost feel like I got a full night of sleep.  However, this bodes poorly for tomorrow; usually the second morning after a bad night of sleep is the worst morning.  And after a full day tomorrow (8:30am until 8:00pm with rotation talks; I'll be gone from 7:45am until about 8:30-9pm), I have to get up at 6:30 for an 8:00pm start time, and I go almost non-stop until 5pm.  And Friday is 11-3/4, with 5pm PT.

I bet I sleep all day Saturday.  Just sayin'.

* I have a super high threshold for pain, but I seriously felt like I was being tortured for information or something.  It's all for a good cause, but eesh!

The over-achieving urge

It's baaaaaaaaack ...

When I was younger, I assumed that I would get the best grades I could.  It just never occurred to me that anything less than the best was acceptable, or impossible.  I would do all the homework, I would listen in class, and then I would get good grades.  The end.  There were some exceptions (I was never really exceptional at math league type stuff, and I did NOT understand analogies very well until high school), but in general, I was a top student.  Then again, so were many people I knew, but that's just what was expected of us.

Somewhere in middle school, my drive sort of slowed.  It wasn't that I wasn't doing well; I just started to procrastinate a lot.  I never really learned how to take good notes or study.  I still did my homework and did well, but the drive sort of died.  In high school, I did pretty well--well enough to get into a great university, but some Cs started popping up on my report card.  I don't know how I got through calculus; I retook every test, often gave up on the homework, and took the shittiest notes on the planet.  But I got a 5 on the test, so ... I didn't learn my lesson.

I didn't not try in college.  I worked relatively hard, but procrastination hounded me on a constant basis.  I wrote papers the night before, no matter how long they needed to be, or how much work really needed to go into them.*  I slept through large lectures, skipped half of my intro biology classes, and studied by panicking the night before the test and trying to read the textbook.  I made Dean's List four out of eight semesters, but often didn't retain any information from any science classes.  It was frustrating feeling like I didn't even know my own major.**

Work was a mixed bag.  I often wasn't sure what was expected of me, and certainly did not go above and beyond when it came to organization or reading papers.  Again, procrastination was a major problem.  Once it was clear that my job was totally safe, I think I started do actually do better work, but I certainly no longer felt a lot of pressure.

But now, as a graduate student, I'm surprising myself with how much work I'm willing to do.  We've had one week of classes, and I've been getting work done well ahead of time.  I've been taking extremely detailed notes, and rewriting them.  I did work all weekend (Friday night***, Saturday afternoon and night, Sunday afternoon and evening).  I came home during the day today ... and got work done.  I am actually feeling uncomfortable because I have to give a presentation on Wednesday on protein folding, and while I've been working on reading a very dense paper (essentially, that's what I'm presenting), I haven't yet prepared the presentation itself.  In college, I wouldn't be reading this paper until maybe midnight tomorrow night, and I probably would take quick, embarrassingly bad notes to "present" on Tuesday morning, mere hours before the class.

I'm not sure sure where the drive came from.  I haven't felt it in years, to the point where I don't remember when I last felt it.  But I am determined to get an amazing grade on our first biochem exam, even though I just learned that the exams are so difficult that it's common for people to get a B grade with a 28%.  Maybe it's because there are only five of us (nine total, including the other program) and if I don't do well, I'll feel embarrassed because it'll stand out.  Maybe it's because I actually know some of the things I want out of life, whereas even thoughout college, I had no clear idea.  Maybe it's because I'm disappointed in how I did in high school and college, and want my (hopefully) final leg of my education to go splendidly.

But either way, I feel guilty for stopping to even write this blog post.  Wow, right?

* This includes my final project my senior year.  It was a 35-page paper, which I wrote in one night and got a B+ on.

** Specifically, my biology major.  I did very well (minus the final project) in women's studies.  There are a lot of reasons for this, but the classes were actually harder than biology classes in a lot of ways.

*** Can I get a gil?  (CA ARE YOU READING THIS.)

Ten years, two towers

Ten years ago today, I was fourteen years old.  It was the third or fourth day of my freshman year of high school.  I had English class, then math class, and then band.  At 10:30ish, it was time for lunch, so my friends and I went to the cafeteria.

There were televisions set up everywhere.  At first, I thought it was maybe some weird thing the high school did every so often.  But then I started to see what was on the TVs.

During that day, the worst parts were dealing with the shock and sadness of so much death and destruction, and the terrifying uncertainty.  That is, we had no idea what was happening.  Because the teachers I had that morning hadn't known that there was anything happening, I wasn't aware of anything either, until after all of the planes had crashed, and the two towers had collapsed.

I remember other things about that day.  I remember feeling suffocated as I saw video footage of the billowy clouds of ashy debris rolling towards people, who were fleeing for their lives.  I remember wondering if Boston might be next.  I remember listening to the radio that night before bed, as I always did, and finding nothing but subdued talk on the airwaves.  I remember one young man calling in to say that his father had died in his office at the Pentagon, and that he would be joining the army to avenge his father's death.

The hijackings on September 11th were devastating, and not just on that day itself.  First responders are dying because of their efforts.  Our military is fighting multiple illegal wars, which are bleeding us dry financially.  Innocents are being tortured and killed.  Islamophobia is rampant.  Our country is incredibly divided.  Our sense of safety has been lost.

I won't forget what happened.  But I also hope that someday, hopefully soon, we'll finally start to heal.  There will always be scars, but I would like to, one day, be able to look back at these ten years and say, "I remember when things were bad."

First breakdown ... sort of

It is 4:00am on Saturday morning.  I have been awake since 7:00am on Friday, after getting four hours of sleep.

Since I got home around 5:00pm, the people living upstairs have been making all sorts of noise.  For a while, it was "regular" noise.  Not the kind of noise that regular neighbors make.  I mean lots and lots of noise from the noisy people upstairs going about their normal noisy business.  That means stomping, doors slamming, stuff being dropped, etc.  Around 7:00pm or so, it started turning into Friday night noise, which involves a lot of heels on hardwood, extra door slamming, louder stair stomping, etc.  Tonight, they partied pretty hard, with music and shouting.

By about 9pm, I was kind of losing it.  I couldn't concentrate on ANY work at all, but it was also much too noisy for me to be able to relax in my room, or even go to sleep.  And I was exhausted enough to sleep.  The noise worsened and continued throughout the night.  I got a second (and final) wind around 11 and managed to get considerable work done, but not nearly as much as I'd hoped to do tonight, and I didn't get it done nearly as early.

Around 2, I got ready for bed, although I was distracted because I forgot to try on the clothes that arrived today from Old Navy (verdict: everything is pretty great, but I need to have the green dress altered a bit to make it awesome instead of okay).  Then I took my eyes out, brushed my teeth, etc. and finished getting ready for bed.  I hopped into bed around 3.  But for the past hour, I have been kept awake by noise.

I can hear someone (someones?) walking around upstairs.  I think I can hear what sounds like drawers opening and closing.  I keep hearing things ... being dropped?  And furniture being pushed across the floor.

It's keeping me awake.  I have been awake for 20 hours on 4 hours of sleep, and so I've hit the point where sleep is not going to come easily.  And I have been emotionally overwhelmed all week.  The really upsetting thing, honestly, is that if it weren't for my upstairs neighbors, I would have had a quiet, productive evening.  I would have finished early enough to ice my legs,* which are very, very badly swollen, and I would have been able to get to sleep before I hit the insomnia point.  I'd wake up tomorrow, probably not feeling refreshed, but definitely feeling good enough to get some work done after my haircut appointment.

But instead, I'm crying, I'm shaking, and I'm dealing with all of those awful feelings that come with being completely out of control of a situation.  So that's fun.

Because of the layout of my apartment, and my current state, it's not feasible to knock on the door and demand that they shut the fuck up.  Instead, I have had to resort to knocking on the ceiling with a crutch.  It has not been remotely effective, which is just peachy.

A friend of mine suggested I call the police with a noise complaint.  I don't want to do that right now because the noise is so "minimal."  That is, at this point, whatever noise they're making, it appears to be "evening winding down" noise, and having the cops come over and telling them to shut the fuck up wouldn't help because they would still be noisy.  If tonight (ugh, see, this is why I hate being up so late) is as bad as this past night, though, I will gladly call the cops.

I know that as a graduate student, I will be expected to party and drink frequently.  And anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy both partying and drinking.**  In fact, for the first six months of this year, I drank considerably and spent nearly every weekend either at a party or a club (weekends where I wasn't?  I was drinking!).  But one thing has remained constant: this apartment has been quiet.  No one has parties here.  No one has big loud get-togethers.  And when people stumble in drunk at odd hours of the morning, you don't hear anything.

Up until the end of July, the upstairs apartment was the same way.  Now, it's pushing all of us past our breaking points (I guess I'm just the winner of that race, now).  This would be unbearable enough if I were still working at the lab as a tech.  As a graduate student ... well, maybe it's because it's 4am and I'm a wreck, but is there a term that surpasses "unbearable?"

* I can't ice my legs overnight very easily.  Not only does it keep me awake, but the ice packs usually end up shifting off of my calves.  And then I wake up with four warm ice packs.

** Enjoy is an understatement.  I have a bag of nips in the fridge labeled "Emergency Booze."

Week one over ... er, sort of

Week one of graduate school is finished.  Well, sort of finished.

After an early physical therapy session this morning, I went up to campus for a mandatory biology seminar (we have a seminar series for all biology students every Friday).  The talk was actually quite excellent.  I'll have to keep track of the skills of all of the presenters, but that's one of the reasons I was attracted to this program in the first place.  At recruitment weekend, there was a poster session, and while all of the graduate students were happy to talk about graduate student life, everyone was able to present their posters very clearly.  I never once felt stupid, either because I didn't understand something I thought I should, or because I felt as if the presenter was condescending to me.

So today's talk continued in that vein.  Granted, it was a cell/molec talk, which meant that I understood it more easily than I'd understand a talk in another biological field, like ecology or neuroscience.  But the speaker maintained my attention at all times, and very clearly outlined the rationale for all of the experiments undertaken.

After that, some of us headed up to intro lab prep.  We went over a lot of course expectations and other "how to" information before heading outside for the field lab portion.  The field lab looks to be pretty basic, and with an undergraduate assistant, I should be able to keep all of the students on task while we're out in the Fens.

When lab was over, my friend K. and I grabbed the PowerPoint slides off of the main lab computer and headed to a conference room to put the files on our computers, and to make lots of important phone calls (like figuring out if books are in stock, finding out why we can't access our lab rosters, and what on earth is going on with medical insurance).  Finally, we headed downstairs for the welcome party for all biology graduate students.  I didn't stay very long; although it was fun to hang out and eat pizza and drink, I was flat out exhausted.  I had been up until two or three in the morning working, and I had to get up at seven for physical therapy.

I got home and called my mom for a bit, but when I sat down to do work, the work just wouldn't happen.  I've been "on break" for a few hours, although I also spent about 45 minutes working on the PowerPoint for the first lab.  I'm going to need to condense it even more, though, in order to get everything in within the lab period.  Maybe it's my former job at Kaplan Test Prep that's making me so obsessive over time management, but that's not a bad thing.  After all, students have other classes they need to go to, and so I need to make sure they get all of the information from the lab within the three hours I have (well, two hours and 50 minutes).  If they have to leave early because I managed my time poorly and they have to get to another class, that's on me.

So yes, I need to work on my PowerPoint a lot.  A lot.

And that's why I say that week one is only sort of over.  I have another chapter of biochem to read, about 20 more pages of molec, and a molec problem set.  I need to work on prep for lab next week, and I need to write an outline for my first class for my pedagogy seminar (and get my materials ready to go for said seminar on Monday).  I also have to start preparing my biochemistry presentation, which will involve reading that biochem chapter, but also reading a paper my professor provided me.

I'll have time on Sunday, as well as some time on Saturday, but I'd like to get the bulk of it done tonight so I can rest and enjoy my weekend.  But that means pushing through some exhaustion, as well as ignoring the incessant noise from the apartment above me.  Tonight?  It's loud shoes on hardwood floors and stairs.  And the encore.  AWESOME, thanks.

See, if they were quiet most of the time and never slammed the doors (which, besides being extremely loud, rattles the mirror on my wall) and never had loud/drunk conversations on the front steps right next to my window, I could be forgiving of noise on Friday nights.  But the fact is, they are loud on such a constant basis that there has never been a time where I've been working where there's been no noise.  It's becoming less and less acceptable, but I'm not sure there's anything that can be done about it.  K. and I are already talking about moving in together next fall, somewhere with a responsible management company, so that we can effectively complain about crap like this.  Oh, and so we can both live in an apartment that doesn't suck.  That would be pretty cool.

Harry Potter and the Grad Program of Azkaban

Okay, or maybe something less horrible sounding.

I was reminded tonight of some Harry Potter book (I cannot remember which one it is, does anyone know?) where Harry felt like he would never catch up in his work, no matter how hard he tried.  It was probably an insignificant detail alongside the fight against Voldemort, but whatever.

I didn't have any classes today, but I planned to meet a friend on campus for lunch.  I had a lot of trouble sleeping because my calves were incredibly uncomfortable.  I was icing them overnight, which meant I had to lie unmoving all night, and my body didn't appreciate that.  But then again, if I hadn't iced, I would have been in pain all night, so eh, better that I iced them.

When I woke up, though, I felt totally nauseated,* probably from staying up too late the night before, working on my schedule.  I texted my friend, who completely understood and was actually not on campus anyway (there had been a mistake in her schedule; she was not pleased).  I decided to forgo going to the intro biology lecture; I'll be able to catch up with the eText/my biology degree, and I wasn't going to put my calves through any unnecessary walking just to go to a 50 minute lecture.

I had PT around 4:15, which went pretty well.  We took it easy, since my calves were in such rough shape.  I was very upset earlier in the day when I called my new insurance provider.  Apparently, my coverage has already started ... but I'm not officially enrolled.  I don't know why health services won't return my phone calls about this.  I need health insurance.  More importantly, I need coverage that I can actually use, and I need it ... now.  So I'm paying out of pocket for the rest of September, and then I'll struggle to get reimbursed.  It'll be fun.

I got home around 6 and implemented Operation Stop Eating Crappy Foods and Wasting Stuff Because You Let It Go Bad.  I sliced up some beef and cooked it in a big pan, and then cooked some frozen veggies that came precoated in some kind of sauce.  The sauce was eh, as were the veggies (I'll finish the leftovers, as part of Operation SECFAWSBYLIGB, but I won't buy them again), but the steak was delicious.  Then again, I'd eat steak completely raw,** so that wasn't surprising.

I spent the rest of the evening reading my biochemistry textbook and trying to learn the amino acids.  I think I'm 80% done memorizing the abbreviations and letter designations.  That is, I did (online) flashcards and think I know most of them extremely well, but there are some I forget sometimes.  I think it'll be much harder for me to learn the R groups, especially because as a biologist who never took organic chemistry and barely remembers inorganic chem, I don't really have the language to describe the R groups.  And because I don't have the language for it, it's hard to remember everything.

By the time I finished, it was getting pretty damn late, and the last thing I wanted to do was to read my molecular biology text.  Specifically, 60 pages of molecular biology text; I only had to read about 30 pages for biochem, and it took me the whole frickin' day.  I know that the textbook for this class is recommended and not required, but I'd like to stick to my whole, "This will not be a repeat of college" plan and make the effort.  So instead, I just rewrote my biochem notes from yesterday.  Tomorrow night, I'll do the molec reading and if I have time, rewrite more notes.  Friday night, the no-homework night when I was in college, will be more reading and the molecular problem set.

And I still have to do all my prep work for labs.  AWESOME.

* My mom and I had a discussion a long time ago about what was correct when you wanted to say you felt sick: "nauseous" or "nauseated."  While both are acceptable in casual conversation, "nauseous" technically means "inducing nausea," whereas "nauseated" is what you are when you're experiencing it.  I actually do often use "nauseous," but when I do, it's a deliberate decision, usually because I know that people are going to be like, "What?"

** While I usually eat my steak as rare as possible, I have eaten raw steak before.  And it was amazing.

First day of classes

Today, September 6th, 2011, was the first day of classes for the fall semester.  I think it was the first time I had a "first day" and I didn't feel nervous.  My first day of college, I barely remember, but I remember feeling very weird and freaked out.  First day of high school was the same way.  But no, today, I just felt anxious that I must have had some commitment earlier than my 12:30 class, and that I would find out as soon as I got to campus that I had royally fucked up my graduate school career already.

It was supposed to rain all day, but when I looked outside, it wasn't raining.  I therefore made the absurd decision not to wear rain boots.  Haven't I lived in New England my entire life?  What made me think that it wouldn't rain?  After all, it had already rained earlier, and it definitely felt like it would rain more.  And I checked the weather and it said, "HEY IT'S GONNA RAIN TODAY."  Nope, wore flats.

I also decided to walk all the way to campus, which actually wasn't so bad.  It took about 35 minutes, which is shorter than my old commute normally was, and the same amount of time as that commute was with no MBTA-related issues.  I got to the biology building (well, one of them) at 12:25 and couldn't find the room.  It wasn't so much an anxiety-producing nightmare situation, although it did have a sort of bad dream, "And then I couldn't find the room!" flavor to it.  I found it within a couple of minutes and found that the professor had already started giving an introduction to the class.  And it looked like almost everyone else was there.  AWESOME.

I ended up not being the last person in the class; someone else had trouble finding the room, too.  But I still felt awkward making all this noise getting settled in, and because of the humidity and the 35 minute powerwalk, I was kind of covered in sweat.  It's great first-day look.

I got a copy of the syllabus, which looked pretty standard.  The professor also explained that instead of having discussions in our discussion section every week, we would take turns giving talks on different subjects; the dates and topics were pre-assigned.  I knew as soon as he said that that I would be going first, and sure enough, I was right.  I'm not psychic; I just know from experience that most educators love alphabetical order by last name.  I get to lecture on protein folding next Wednesday.

Now, if only I knew anything about biochemistry.

You see, the professor, in order to see what people knew so he can adjust his lecture style accordingly, handed out a short quiz.  I knew one answer.  One!  Some of them I know I used to know the answers to (like the structures of glucose or generic amino acid, as well as pH problems).  But I felt pretty stupid.  He made it clear that our answers were just to give him an idea of what level we were at, but it's hard to not feel stupid when you realize that other people in the class have such a head start.  Or that you were expected to know certain things, which you don't.

The rest of the class was spent doing an introductory lecture, which was pretty interesting.  I took the best notes I could, and I plan to rewrite them on my laptop later.  I'm still not sure what the best way is to do that, in terms of doodles/arrows that I usually draw into my notes.  Or should I rewrite them by hand?  I bring spiral bound notebooks to each class, and I would like to not purchase more spiral bound notebooks to rewrite my notes in.  I do have an extra binder and some filler paper; I could rewrite them there, I suppose.

Class ran a litle long; we ended about 20 minutes late.  Then I went with A. and D. to the student union for lunch.  I had to wait forever for sushi, then wait forever to get my items rung up (problem with the cash register), and then I realized that wherever the chopsticks were, I had missed them.  It was sort of that kind of day.

We then chilled for a bit in the grad student lounge before our next class.  I tried to contact student health services to get my insurance information, but I couldn't get in touch with them and never got a call back.  Which is, you know, awesome, because I have physical therapy tomorrow and now will have to pay out of pocket.  I am really excited to pay $80 more than I should have to.  Thanks.

The next class was actually a combination of really awesome and really obnoxious.  On the good end, I absolutely love the professor's teaching style.  He refuses to use PowerPoint, which I really appreciate, and he's got excellent chalkboard skills.*  I can tell that if I struggle in this class, I'll be able to get help relatively easily.  It's also fun to have this class with the other grad students in our program (and another biology-related program).  We're, like, a club.  The lecture hall is also pretty badass.  I'm used to the auditoriums at my undergrad institution, which seemed as if they were designed to put everyone to sleep, and were poorly equipped for lectures.  This room is definitely for lectures; it's got a high tech podium and an impressive set of blackboards.  Of course, it is a new building, so that's expected.  And finally, I actually know some of this stuff.  So I feel smart.

On the other hand?  The class is large with mostly undergraduates.  That means they're all fiddling and whispering and generally pissing me off.  I mean, sure, I was probably more of a pain in the ass as an undergraduate.  But I have decided that I'm a hypocrite.  So whatever.  Shut up, people, I'm trying to LEARN so I don't flunk out of grad school.**

Afterwards, A. and I skedaddled over to our introduction session for the course we're TFing.  We got to sit in one of the lab classrooms, which was a bit weird.  I don't think I'd enjoy being a student in these classrooms.  They're pretty awesome classrooms, with TV screens to show PowerPoints, and they're very clean and organized ... but the benches are extremely low, and we have to sit on stools!  It's awkward.

Our instructor introduced us to the lab course and we found out that we're going to have "Learning Assistants," who are undergraduates who'll be assisting us in the lab.  They're kind of like the undergrad TAs at my undergrad institution (I was one of them), except with more training.  And they're probably more motivated, too; I was mostly like, "Oh, cool, paycheck!"  We went over some lab expectations and received our lab manuals.  I'm a bit disappointed that the first semester of intro bio, the course we're teaching, is ecology and population biology.  I hoped it would be the FUN stuff, like cell and molecular.***  So I'll have to attend the lectures so I actually know at least as much as my students do.  Fun times.

Afterwards, one of my friends, K., was stressed as hell because of the day she had, so she wanted to know if anyone would go out for drinks/dinner with her.  Ca. and I were in, and we hung out while K. talked with our instructor about some stuff she had missed (part of the stress had involved her being late to the meeting).  Then we headed over to Boston Beer Works in the delightful rain for some beer.  It was definitely a lot of fun, and I feel more and more relieved as the days go by that we're all in the same boat.  It's not so much that we have "automatic friends," but it's definitely better than starting undergraduate, where you know no one and you worry about meeting people to hang out with.  We start with each other.

I finally got home around 8:30, somewhat soaked.  Again, I'm not sure why I was stupid enough not to wear my rain boots, but I guess I should just pretend that I was too focused on being a good graduate student.  Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Tomorrow will be less busy.  I'm heading up to campus for lunch with my friend M., who is starting this week at the School of Social Work.  After that, I'll chill, maybe check out my office, and then go to the intro bio lecture.  It's only 50 minutes and I'll have my laptop, so ... if I get bored, Facebook!  Then, it's off to PT, where I can cry over the loss of $80 extra.  It'll be fun.

Meanwhile, tonight I have to update my calendar to include my exams, reflect any holidays where I don't have class, and to include my new assignments.  I have to read some chapters for biochem and molecular biology, I have to rewrite my notes for both classes, I have to locate and maybe start an assignment for molec, I have to fill out a form for TFing, and ... I'm sure something else.  Why didn't I buy a planner?!

* "Excellent chalkboard skills" observation brought to you by teaching, having relatives who teach, and sitting through too many bad lectures.

** Which will happen if I don't maintain a GPA of 3.0 or higher.  So it's like ... Jewish flunking out.

*** This is also known as, "Stuff I actually know."

Regular orientation, musings on ability and responsibility

Today (September 2nd) was "regular" orientation.  I'm totally exhausted from it (well, from orientation and additional factors, but still), but I'm going to try to run through it as thoroughly as possible in this post.

I woke up around 8:20 and hopped in the shower.  After I hopped back out, I did hair and make-up and got dressed.  But I was very upset to see that the shower had done a number on my left interior incision, the one that looks like it's dying or something.  I quickly slathered on some antibiotic cream and cocoa butter before sticking on gauze and wrapping it.  I brought along another piece of gauze and my second ace bandage in case my right exterior incision got angry, but it ended up surviving the whole day.

I waited a few minutes for the bus before it arrived, and then took a relatively un-crowded C train to St. Mary's.  I got a much needed coffee when I got there, before walking the rest of the way.  I don't know why I didn't go to bed earlier last night.  Perhaps I'm in denial about, uh, school starting?  Either way, that was pretty stupid, so coffee was necessary.

I got to the room about 15 minutes early and sat with one of the TFs I'd met yesterday, Ca.  More people arrived soon after; while I knew most of the people as fellow TFs, I hadn't met the rest of the biology department first years.  We picked up folders with tons of information, including the requirements for which classes we would need to take, as well as the forms we'd need to fill out.

When everyone had arrived, we all introduced ourselves.  I learned that I was one of five students in my program (and one of four PhD students), and all of us in the PhD program were TFs.  Huh!  We learned a bit about different aspects of the program and about all the paperwork we were going to fill out.  We also got a rundown on all of the other tasks we had to complete (turning in enrollment forms, registering, getting our ID cards, swipe access, etc.).  Finally, students in the other program broke off to go talk to their advisors, and the folks in our program met with some professors, who are going to be our temporary advisors for the next year.  Mine is Dr. G.  He signed me and A. up for our classes, which are Molecular Biology, Biochemistry, and the pedagogy course we have to take as TFs.

After that, we all headed to the office to get registered, and to get our office keys.*  The line to get registered was pretty long, but we all hung out in the hallway and chatted.  The students from the other programs all joined us.  Then there was pizza/salad in the lounge, which was relaxing.  Then A., C. (another PhD in our program), and I all headed to hand in our enrollment forms, and to get our IDs, as well as my T pass, and lots of coffee.  My ID came out fantastic.  Can I use this photo on my license?  No?  Are you sure?

There was a funny moment for me when I went to get my ID, though.  I went up when it was my turn and gave the person my license to get my ID.  She checked my info on the computer and asked if I had been a student there before.  I was confused; did they think I was my sister, who is currently an undergraduate?  But then she said it was back in 2003.  That's when I did Tanglewood!  I had totally forgotten.  I'm not sure why that was an issue, but apparently, it was enough of an issue for the person to mention it.  But not enough of one for me to not get my ID.  Phew.

After I got my T pass, we grabbed delicious coffee.  It was a gorgeous out all day, and we really enjoyed walking around during our break.  It was interesting to see all of the undergraduates with parents; it just feels like such a lively campus.  It made me feel so lucky and thrilled to be in Boston, starting my career.  Plus, after sitting inside so much, it was pretty nice to be outside.

When we returned, it was time for the next pedagogy session.  We handed in self-evaluations at the beginning, and then talked about teaching as a performance for a bit.  We next did a strange exercise that was kind of fun/cute.  We paired off, with each pair containing a "student" and a "teacher."  We had five minutes, and the teacher had to instruct the student to duplicate a set of colorful shapes using a paper and markers.  Neither the teacher nor the student could see each other's paper (so the student couldn't see what they should be drawing, and the teacher couldn't see how the student was doing).  Finally, students couldn't ask questions.

I paired with a fellow TF, Aa.  She was the teacher, and I was the student.  Things started off a bit rocky, because it wasn't entirely clear how a set of shapes was a lesson plan.  I ended up orienting my page wrong, but as we went along, I ended up getting some shapes pretty accurately.  The result looks very first grade-y, so when we finished, I wrote my name and "class" in childlike handwriting and plan to give it to my mom as a joke.  (UNLESS SHE'S READING THIS, in which case I didn't say anything, okay?  There is no silly drawing.  I promise.)

We then made lists of qualities that GREAT teachers have, and ones that AWFUL teachers have.  You could tell as we were making the second list that we had specific teachers/learning experiences in mind.  We were asked to think about the good qualities we have, but also the negatives ones we have, too.  I know that I can be humorous and engaging, and that I care very much about my students, but I tend to be extremely disorganized, both in terms of lessons and, like ... being organized as a human being.  So, will work on that.

Then we had safety training, which was incredibly fast-paced and only somewhat informative.  But honestly, I know most of the stuff anyways, since I just worked in a BL2 lab for the past two years.  I wrote down some of the numbers, though, since I need to mentally throw out the numbers from work and replace them with university ones.

But, I mean, I do know not to mouth pipette.

Afterwards, I stopped by my sister's apartment to say hi and see her awesome living space.  It's HUGE!  Her kitchen is nicer than mine!  HOW.  But we sat and chatted for about an hour, which was really nice.  We may have played with fancy silly putty.  I then headed out and met up with a friend of mine at one of our favorite pubs.  By the time I got home, around 10:00pm, I wasn't just exhausted.  My legs were pretty seriously swollen.

I futzed around with my Google Calendars, since otherwise I wouldn't have an idea of which lab sections I'll be able to teach, or when I'd be available for the pedagogy course over the next few weeks.  I had a great laugh while I was reorganizing my calendars, though.  I had written brief descriptions of all of my calendars, since I like to differentiate between work-related stuff and non-work stuff (e.g. work meetings vs. medical appointments).  Most of the descriptions were boring and to the point, like "non-work appointments and meetings."  But for the calendar "Gym," I'd written, "What's a 'GYM?'"

That's why I'm writing a blog.  For some reason, I find myself laughing at some of the crap I've written.

But I managed to stop laughing at my own joke long enough to rename my calendars, mess around with the colors, and set up my schedule as I know it.  It's pretty scary so far, and it doesn't include my soon-to-be decided lab sections or office hours, or the time we pick for the pedagogy course.  And that's just stuff that meets every week, regularly; it doesn't include the time spent in my rotations, or all the hours I'll be working on lab prep.

Nor does it include things like physical therapy appointments, or time to go to the gym or go running.**  Awesome.

I simultaneously feel overwhelmed and ready to take this all on.  On the one hand, it's really pretty damn daunting.  Without the TF responsibilities, the first year of grad school still wouldn't be easy.  With rotations, you're pretty much working 40 hour weeks.  Add the fellowship, and it's 60-70 hours a week.  Add the paper I'm supposed to be writing, and BOOM, screwed.

But on the other hand, I remind myself of two very crucial things.  The first, and the easiest to accept, is that I am not the first graduate student to go through this, and I won't be the last.  People have come and gone before me, and they've managed this absurd workload during their first years.  I'll manage, too.  And the second crucial thing to remember is that I am extremely well-equipped to handle these responsibilities.  Not only do I feel like I'll have an amazing support system at school, especially with my fellow CMTFs, but I also have a superb outside support system.  I have great friends, both local and long distance, who can and will talk me through the hard times and celebrate the great ones.  My family is around and extremely close-knit.

And as much as I've battled imposter syndrome in the past, I do know that I wouldn't have been accepted into this program if I weren't academically and professionally well-equipped.  I'm certainly ready for benchwork; I won't be expected, as a rotation student, to have the level of skills I've been developing at work.  I also have plenty of teaching experience, and while that does not mean I will be a flawless teacher, or that I don't feel seriously apprehensive about teaching undergraduates, I am not completely clueless about how to teach.  My SAT prep job prepared me extremely well in this regard, which I'm grateful for.

Graduate school does present a challenge that I should have overcome years ago.  I'm not sure what my excuse was back in high school or in college.  Was it not as important for me to study and get amazing grades?  Why didn't I manage my time better?  Did I think that keeping my schoolwork and life in general organized was something that would magically come with adulthood?  But I keep reminding myself: This will not be college all over again.

That means working to maintain a healthy (ish) sleep schedule.  That means not doing that thing where I stay up until 2:00am, dicking around online, when I have to get up at 7:00am and work all day long.  That means actually and actively studying, in a timely manner, and not waiting until the last minute to do readings or assignments.  That means running errands on time, and avoiding the inevitable, "I have nothing appropriate to wear teach my lab today because it's been five weeks since I did laundry."  That means setting aside time to run.

I think I can do it.  I hope I can do it.  This program isn't just the start of my career.  In a lot of ways, even though I already spent two years being an "adult," I think I might actually, you know, grow up.***

* I have an office WTF (we all share an office, but I actually think that's even cooler right now)

** This is why I have a Google calendar for "Gym."  I have to schedule in gym/running, or I won't always do it.  It's worth noting, though, that when I first started running, I didn't need to schedule it.  It wasn't until I was hit with compartment syndrome, and I was no longer enthusiastic about running, that I had to schedule it.  It wasn't very effective, not because I hated going to the gym, but because it's discouraging when you're terrified of your symptoms kicking in.

*** Well, I don't think I'll ever be the most mature person on the planet.  Understatement.

Teaching Fellow Orientation

Today, I begin my career as a graduate student.  Cool.  Except it's a bit weird because today wasn't about being a graduate student.  It was about being a Teaching Fellow.

It's Thursday, September 1st, 2011, and I just got home from an entire day of orientation.  Here's how that shit went down.

I got up around 7 to get ready, deciding at the last minute to completely change my outfit (I wanted to wear something that left my calves bare, so my ace bandages could be a conversation starter, but I didn't want to wear a skirt, and my capris worked with the bandages to make my legs look stubby as hell).  I headed out around 7:40 and immediately caught a bus up to the B line.  As soon as I got to the T stop, a train pulled up, and I was able to get a seat easily.  The ride into BU was smooth.  And that was the end of my public transit luck today.

I got to CAS early and decided to briefly take some notes sitting outside.  I knew we were supposed to give a quick 3-5 minute presentation on the topic of our choice, and I wanted to sketch out an outline of my topic so I could be extra prepared.  Plus, it was a good 20 minutes before I had to be inside.  When I finished, I found the entrance to CAS and walked up four flights of stairs rather than look for an elevator.  A friend had warned me that the 5th floor of CAS was sort of split in two, and that I might have to go back down a couple flights to get to where I needed to go.  Fortunately, I went into the right entrance and walked out of the stairwell to find myself at registration.  I picked up my folder and nametag and headed into the auditorium.

It slowly filled up over the next twenty minutes, but I was relieved to see that I wasn't even remotely the first person there.  A lot of people knew each other; it was an orientation for all new TFs, which included non-first-year students who hadn't been TFs before.  I felt a bit weird because I usually try to strike up conversations in situations like this, but it was difficult to feel comfortable, since it wasn't clear who was a first year student and who wasn't.  Before we got started at 9:00am, a guy sat next to me and struck up a conversation.  He was a first-year as well, in physics, and had gone to BU as an undergrad.  He seemed very nice, and I was kind of relieved to have a conversation with someone.

We then got started for the day, with various deans talking to us about how to teach effectively.  Nothing was really that new for me in terms of the teaching tips.  After working in SAT prep, I err on the side of dressing professionally when I teach; while I'm not going to wear a skirt and heels, or a pants suit in a lab section, I'm certainly going to set an example and be conscious about my outfit choices.

The one thing I did appreciate about the morning session was that everyone was very clear that yes, this is going to be a pain, and yes, you will make mistakes, and no, you don't have to be an expert in whatever class you're teaching.

The biggest rude surprise, though, was that there is apparently a mandatory orientation next Saturday afternoon.  I'm actually quite angry that we weren't told about this already.  Arg!

We had a break during the morning session, and I met another person who's a TF for the same class I am, named K.  She and I grabbed lunch together and went to the same afternoon workshops, where we met some other TFs in biology, Ka. and As.  The workshops were somewhat mediocre.  There were three, and we could only go to two, so we picked the time management workshop and the "nuts and bolts" workshop.  All of the workshops were run by TFs who had been selected by their departments as the best TFs for the past semester.

The time management workshop was very disappointing.  Two of the TFs were late; the two that were there when we got started said that they would basically just tell us some general information about being TFs.  One of them did joke about how he shouldn't have been picked for the time management workshop because he was so bad at it, but other than that, they barely touched on the subject.  They did discuss the importance of setting expectations for students and not letting the class take over your life.  I was hoping for tips on getting the work done effectively so that we can actually manage our time ... they did have some good tips in general, though.

The next workshop, the "nuts and bolts" one, was more about the nitty gritty stuff, like grading and plagiarism (the one I didn't go to was about preparing lesson plans and how to teach, but I learned from other new TFs who went that it was kind of like the time management one, and the TFs didn't talk much about the actual topic).  We talked mostly about plagiarism and difficult students, which was helpful.  We also got a list of resources, like who to contact if we need help with AV stuff.

At this point, the orientation was for all new TFs in all departments.  This was both helpful and not helpful; it was nice to meet TFs from other disciplines, and feel like a part of a strong community, but a lot of the information we got was not relevant to being a biology TF, or at least not for intro biology, which is what I'm teaching.  There was a ton of information that was only relevant if you were teaching discussion sections, and even more that was really only about independently teaching your own class.  It's not that I don't think it's all important; it's just that I gave up my whole day for this orientation, and at least several hours worth of information was utterly irrelevant to me.

After the workshops, all of the biology TFs met up and we walked over to BRB.  When we got there, we all introduced ourselves, and learned a bit about the course we're going to take over the course of the semester, as is required for first year biology TFs.  The other biology TFs are really great, so I think the pedagogy course will actually be somewhat welcome.  Of course, we already have homework for it for tomorrow!

We wrapped up (and by wrapped up, I mean we spent the next two hours) by each teaching the mini-lesson we prepared.  Everyone did a great job, even if we all need a little work.  I'm just remembering back to when I was training for SAT prep, and there were some relatively ineffective teachers.  So it was cool that everyone has a good handle on teaching already.  We finally ended around 5:00pm, and went over to another building, where the barbecue was being held out front, right in front of Comm Ave.

It was nice to hang out and chat.  A., one of the other people who was at my interview weekend, is also at BU and is also a first-year TF, so that was really awesome!  After about an hour of hanging out, a bunch of us headed out.  A. and I got on a B line train which came relatively quickly, but it was seriously packed.  I had hoped that with the Sox game and moving day, most people would either NOT be taking the B line, or if they were, they were getting off the outbound trains at Kenmore.  But nope, crowded as usual.  Woo-frickin-hoo.

The slow T ride was interrupted around Packard's Corner because the driver had to honk at someone and the horn got stuck.  The driver got out to see if she ran over something, but I think it was just the horn getting stuck.  A lot of people got off the train at that point, but I correctly (a first!) guessed that if I stayed on, we'd move soon enough.

I got off at Harvard Ave and spent forever and a day waiting for the bus home.  There were a ton of buses going in the opposite direction, but none in our direction for at least twenty minutes, and at least twenty people were waiting at the stop with me.  When the bus finally arrived, I was able to somehow get on in the back.  Once I was on, I realized why it was so jam-packed: an elderly woman had gotten on the bus with a large, square-ish cart full of cans (I've passed her on the sidewalk before; she's actually a recognizable figure around Harvard Ave/Street).  Because she was up front with her cart, a young woman with a baby in a stroller couldn't use that front space, and was stuck in the back, right before the back steps.  So people were cramming into the "downstairs" portion of the bus, unable to go up the step to the back of the bus.

That plus traffic from moving day?  We were practically crawling.  It was miserable.  By the time I finally got off, I immediately went to the store and grabbed some soda and some candy because arg!!  I Then had trouble changing out of my jeans; my calves were very swollen.  I was very unhappy to see that only one incision didn't break at all; two of them had their scabs broken and torn, and the third one, which has been healing extremely poorly,* was oozing pretty badly.  My legs are in the most pain they've been in for a while today; not only are they swollen and angry from today, but they were already sore this morning from physical therapy yesterday.  I "graduated" to the next band strength at my appointment, and I did two and a half miles on the bike.  Why did I push myself so hard when I knew what the rest of the week would entail?  NO FUCKING CLUE.

Tomorrow, I have actual CM graduate student orientation in the morning until early afternoon, followed by TF orientation take two (for biology TFs only), and then TF lab safety training.  So I'll finally register for classes tomorrow and afterwards, I'll pick up my Terrier card and my T pass.

The plan for the rest of the evening was to do my reading assignment for tomorrow, and to make a list of the classes I know I have to fit into my schedule (the pedagogy course, which is actually just something I have to register for--no set class date/time; the intro bio course I'm TFing labs for, so I can attend lectures; and hopefully orchestra).  But the people upstairs are blasting music with heavy bass, and I want to take a broom to the ceiling.  Or something more violent and less acceptable.  Seriously, it's September 1st, and this is the Boston area.  STUDENTS LIVE HERE.

* This summer, I had calf surgery to treat exercise-induced compartment syndrome.  I'm finished recovering and I've started physical therapy, but I'll be dealing with swelling and numbness for some time longer, and my incisions (especially my left interior incision) have not all been healing very well.

Will be hitting the ground running

Starting Thursday, I'll officially be a graduate student.  I'm not nervous so much as I am impatient about the whole thing.

I recently learned that I've been selected to be a Teaching Fellow this semester, for the introductory biology course.  I'm not too happy about it, since it's my first semester of graduate school, and I was hoping to get used to my new life before I had to add something else into the mix.  But as I've pointed out to my friends who've expressed surprise at this turn of events, I already have a lot of teaching experience.  I've worked as an undergraduate teaching assistant (also for introductory biology), I taught summer science camp to kids ages 5-12, and until recently, I was an SAT teacher at Kaplan Test Prep.  I'm not even a little bit worried about how capable I'll be as a TF.

Thursday is an all-day TF training, which looks as if it's going to be extraordinarily boring.  Half of the day involves having various deans and higher-ups talk to us about teaching.  Then we have to practice teaching during the second half of the day.  That'll be followed by a barbeque (I think?).  So, 8:30am-7:00pm will be fun.

Friday will be a little better; I don't have to be on campus until 10:00am.  Then we have regular graduate program orientation, and by the early afternoon, we'll be registered for our classes.  On Tuesday, we jump right in.

I'm impatient to start, not because I desperately can't wait to be so busy I can't breathe, but because at this point in time, I have absolutely no clue what my schedule will look like, and I also don't have my insurance information.  Both of these things are frustrating, and not just because I'm out of the loop.

I'm recovering quite nicely from my bilateral fasciotomy to treat the compartment syndrome in my calves, but to ensure I have the best recovery, I need to go to physical therapy regularly, and I need to have my insurance straightened out.  This coming week, I have my physical therapy appointments already set up for Monday and Wednesday.  I'm glad I could get those two days, since Thursday and Friday are completely out for two reasons: I shouldn't schedule PT on the same day that I lose my old insurance and might not have the information for my new insurance, and also, I've got those orientations!  Whoops.

Plus, because of some really awkward requirements, I'm somehow going to be first author on a paper from my old job.  I'll be frequenting the lab in order to work on it in the best environment possible, but even if I weren't, that's a time suck.

Finally, I've met some other BU grad students through some friends, and one of them has convinced me that I should try out for the all-campus orchestra.  Most of the flutes have left, which means this is the best shot I have at grabbing an excellent seat.

So, here's what I have to fit in this semester, my first semester of graduate school:

*) However many classes my (unknown) faculty advisor registers me for
*) Working as a TF (includes two lab sections and a weekly meeting; I'm also guessing office hours)
*) Orchestra, if I get in
*) Coculture paper for my old job
*) Physical therapy

There's a reason I bought a new mattress this summer: every minute of sleep I can get needs to be as restful as possible!

Moving on from my first lab job

This week is the final week at my current job.  I had my going-away party yesterday, which was a lot of fun, and this Friday is my final day.

I've been training my replacement, but I know that there will be things she needs help with after I leave.  My boss is going on vacation for the month of August, so I've made it clear to my replacement that she's welcome to call or email me with any questions.  While I have been training her as best I can, it's really not possible for me to teach her every detail about the job in four weeks.

I guess I'm mostly nervous about leaving the lab, where I've been for two years, and where I've gotten almost all of my training.  I don't feel unprepared for graduate school, in terms of academics or lab work.  It's more that I feel unprepared for the bureaucracy of it.  I'm off to a mediocre start in that regard.

That is, I'm not sure exactly when I'm starting, or what I already should have signed up for.  I got my health history forms after my yearly physical, and I'm waiting on my doctor's office to fax the signed forms back.  I had a moment where I was significantly annoyed with the requirements; it said that I needed a vaccine that I had already gotten, but wouldn't let me waive it without actual reasons.  But then, thankfully, a friend of mine pointed out that the vaccine was only required for students living on campus or in university-owned housing.  I'm a grad student, suckers!

I'm also on the fence about purchasing a semester's worth of Charlie Cards from the school.  I have another few weeks to decide, and I probably will buy the semester pass.  I'm spoiled right now; my monthly pass is 45% off, and it's paid for pre-tax.  I will only get 11% off the semester pass, and it's not pre-tax.  It's quite disappointing.  I would just walk to campus, but I've enjoyed the security of taking the T whenever I feel like it, and it'll be tougher to walk to campus during the first month or so.  By the time I won't worry about walking to campus, it might be cold and snowy.  I might as well just accept that I'm going to be paying for it, but even so ...

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to this week ending.  Not because I hate my job; I'll definitely miss working here!  But at this point, it feels like there's very little left for me to do over the next three to four days.  Plus I have special rehearsals for an ensemble I play in once a year, on Thursday and Friday nights, on Saturday all day, and a concert on Sunday.  Not a restful weekend for someone who's going to have surgery in a week.  Since I'm just waiting for my surgery to be over with, it's hard for me to savor the rest of the week.

I won't forget my two years here, although this job hasn't always been easy or fun.  Hopefully, the lab I end up in will be just as unique, with equally interesting research, and equally interesting people.

Email woes

Back in March, after I accepted the offer from BU, I was given early bird registration for email.  I was totally psyched, since I wanted to change my Facebook profile and display my change of networks.  Yeah, not all that important.  But as I continued to set up my account, I hit a roadblock.  That is, I set up my username and password, and then couldn't log into BU's Gmail system!

Two months later, I tried again, and discovered that my registration had gotten my account set up for the regular Horde email service.  To my dismay, the email client was even worse that the Tufts version.*  Then I set up my BU Gmail, but then struggled to connect either account to my regular Gmail.

I finally have had some success (I think).  Every time I get an email send to Horde, it gets sent to my BU Gmail, which then gets sent to my regular Gmail.  The only problems for now?  Every time I get a BU email, I first get an email from the Postmaster Bot telling me that I can't read the email.  Then I get the email.  I also can't seem to get Gmail to put a label on the incoming BU emails.  For now, I'll just deal with the lack of labels.  As for the spammy bot messages every time I get a BU email, I set up a filter that sends them directly to the trash.  Booyah.

I was worried that I might have gotten emails with important information about starting this fall, but I mostly just had meeting reminders and all-BU newsletters in my inbox.  Better safe than sorry, though!

* The Tufts version wasn't terrible, I suppose, but I didn't like it much.  It never occurred to me to forward my Tufts mail to Gmail, even though I had been using Gmail since high school, before getting my college email.  Now I know better, and I want all my email in one place!

About this blog

Who am I?

I'm a 24-year-old straight, white, Jewish atheist, middle-class ciswoman.  I've lived in the Boston area my entire life, I graduated from college in 2009, and I started a cell and molecular biology PhD program in fall 2011, also in Boston.  I live with roommates near my university, and I have several friends in the area whom I spend a lot of time with.  I'm a runner, a former classical musician, and a passionate feminist.

Why am I writing this blog?

I decided to write this blog for three reasons.  The first reason is that I'd like something to remember my time in graduate school, specifically the little bits of it.  Sure, I'll remember things like my project and the general atmosphere of the lab.  But I want to remember the hilarious day-to-day events, and the obnoxious little frustrations.

The second reason is that I think that the non-scientist crowd has a warped idea of what scientists are like.  We're not all white dudes in lab coats and glasses, who make lots of money and are socially awkward.  In fact, choosing academic science in order to get rich is sort of a mistake.  I'm sure we're all varying degrees of socially awkward, so that's accurate, but for the most part, we're just awesomely regular people just trying to discover cool new things about the world.

The third reason I'm starting this blog is that my younger sister is going into television.  I have no idea if she'll end up as a writer and/or show-runner, but just on the off-chance that she does, I'd like to have this blog so that she can have a glimpse into the life of a graduate student.  Then she'll realize how AWESOME it would be to make a TV show about being a graduate student, based on my life.

Because really, I'd watch that.

So I'm just going to be invading everyone's privacy by writing about them?

I'm going to do my best to use pseudonyms, nicknames, and initials in this blog in order to protect people's privacy.  While I can only be so vague while writing about people and places, I'll still try as hard as I can.

How long am I going to be blogging for, and how often will I post?

I will try to post once a week once the semester starts in late August.  If I can keep this up throughout my graduate student career, it'll run for five or six years.  Yes, I will be a graduate student forever ... on the same stipend.  When I'm 30.

What kind of writing style/content will this blog involve?

I have a tendency to overuse footnotes and asterisks, and I'm also a fan of sarcasm, ALL CAPS FOR EFFECT (ACFE), and questions that end in periods (when mixed with ACFE, that leaves us with such gems as, "HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND.").  I also am a fan of swearing for emphasis/fun, and so while I do try to make my content interesting using PG-13 language, I have been known to drop the f-bomb.  All the fucking time (WHOOPS).*

While this blog is about graduate school, it is also about my life.  My identity, as I've demonstrated above, is multifaceted; I'm not just "a grad student."  While this blog will mostly be about that aspect of my identity, it would be impossible to write this blog without making references to my family, friends, relationships, activities, and health.  In fact, without all of those things, I won't make it through graduate school!

* DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE.